Performative Listening at Work: Why Hearing People Isn’t the Same as Understanding Them

I’ll admit it. I’m guilty of performative listening. Not intentionally or maliciously, but have absolutely sat in a conversation nodding along while mentally drifting elsewhere. I have found myself rehearsing my response, preparing a counterargument, or convincing myself I already knew exactly what the other person was about to say.

The embarrassing part? I teach communication and negotiation skills as part of my career.

As an attorney, mediator, educator, and founder of Empathic Edge, I spend a lot of time talking about listening. But even with all of my experience, I still catch myself sometimes slipping into what I call “listening to reply” instead of “listening to understand.”

Have you ever found yourself silently rehearsing your next point while the other person is still talking? Welcome to the club. Most of us have done it, and a lot of us don’t even realize it.

In modern workplaces, where meetings occur back-to-back and everyone feels pressure to contribute, performative listening is often more common than genuine listening.

The problem is that while performative listening looks like communication, it rarely creates understanding.

What Is Performative Listening?

Performative listening occurs when someone appears engaged in a conversation but their focus is on responding rather than understanding. On the surface, it may look like they are actively listening. They may:

• Nod along
• Maintain eye contact
• Offer occasional verbal cues
• Wait for their turn to speak

Internally, however, their attention is elsewhere. They may be:

• Planning their response
• Defending their position
• Looking for flaws in the argument
• Assuming they already understand the other person’s perspective

Listening is not simply how long someone remains silent. It is how more about how accurately they understand other perspectives.

Why We All Do It

I find this topic so relatable. One reason why is because performative listening is rarely rooted in bad intentions. In fact, high-achieving individuals are particularly vulnerable to it. Why? Because we are trained to solve problems, rewarded for having answers, and are encouraged to think quickly. As a result, we often enter conversations with a focus on contributing rather than understanding. I see this happen all the time in:

• Mediation sessions
• Law school classrooms
• Leadership meetings
• Negotiations
• Workplace conflicts

And yes, I’ve caught myself doing it too. Sometimes we are so eager to add value or opinion to a conversation that we accidentally stop listening.

Why Performative Listening Hurts Workplace Communication

At a glance, performative listening may seem harmless. After all, the conversation still moves forward, people exchange information, and the work still gets done. But over time, the negative impact becomes hard to miss. When people don’t feel genuinely heard, several things can happen:

• Trust Begins to Erode: People are surprisingly good at sensing when someone is truly engaged in active listening. When employees, colleagues, or clients feel dismissed or unheard, trust can weaken.
• Important Information Gets Missed: Some of the most valuable insights in a conversation emerge when people are comfortable sharing openly. Performative listening causes us to miss context, nuance, and underlying concerns.
• Conversations Become Less Productive: People repeat themselves when they don’t feel heard or understood. Misunderstandings then multiply and decisions take longer. At this point, conflict becomes more likely.

All of this to say that people are more likely to collaborate, share, and trust others when they feel genuinely understood and heard.

The Hidden Cost in Leadership

One area where performative listening becomes really problematic is in leadership. Leaders carry enormous responsibility. They are expected to make decisions, solve problems, and provide direction. They also must often manage competing priorities.

Because of these pressures, leaders can unintentionally approach conversations with a reply or solution already in mind. The challenge is that, sometimes, people don’t need immediate solutions, they need understanding.

Some of the strongest leaders I have ever worked would ask “Tell me more about that” before offering a recommendation. It sounds simple, but that question uncovers information that would otherwise remain hidden. Asking a question out of curiosity can create better leadership than certainty.

Why Performative Listening Damages Negotiations

As a mediator, I frequently see two people enter a negotiation convinced they understand the situation. They arrive prepared to persuade, advocate, and win. What they are often not prepared to do is listen. This is where negotiations break down.

Some of the biggest breakthroughs in negotiations happen when parties stop focusing on their own positions and become curious about the other party’s interests. Listening creates opportunities where assumptions break down negotiation.

The strongest negotiators spend less time preparing responses and more time uncovering interests, motivations, and concerns.

Signs You May Be Performatively Listening

Performative listening is not something that most people do intentionally. It is not malicious or intended to break down conversation. That is what makes it difficult to recognize.

It is hard for most people to look inward at bad habits like performative listening. There are some subtle signs that you may recognize, however, such as:

• Assuming you already know what someone means
• Feeling impatient when someone explains their perspective
• Interrupting frequently
• Mentally preparing your response before the speaker finishes
• Finishing other people’s sentences
• Looking for opportunities to disagree

Recognize yourself in this list? Don’t worry, you’re human. It happens to all of us. The good news is that you can change that habit into a better one.

Want to Become a Better Listener?

Empathic Edge helps professionals, students, leaders, and teams practice active listening, communication, and negotiation skills through realistic AI-powered scenarios.

Try it free and start building stronger communication habits today.

How to Move From Performative Listening to Genuine Listening

If you recognize some of your own habits in the list above, you may want to know how you can improve your listening skills. The good news is that listening is a skill. Like any skill, it can improve with practice.

That’s where Empathic Edge can help. Our AI-powered platform bridges the gap between learning and doing. Through our realistic scenarios, users can practice, repeat, and master skills. Empathic Edge is perfect for anyone looking to:

• Be More Curious: Genuine curiosity is one of the most effective communication tools. Ask questions and be curious instead of assuming you understand the other person’s perspective.
• Slow Down: Communication problems are common when we rush toward solutions. Understanding the situation and possible outcomes requires patience.
• Listen for What Is Not Being Said: People communicate indirectly. Pay attention to body language, hesitation, and underlying motivations.
• Reflect Before Responding: Try not to respond until you understand. Try summarizing what you heard before sharing your own perspective.
• Challenge Your Assumptions: One of the best ways to improve listening is to recognize how often your assumptions are incomplete.

Why Practice Matters

Practice is where communication development efforts fall short. Most people understand what active listening looks like, but struggle to apply it in real-world conversations. This is especially true when emotions are involved, time is limited, or the stakes are high.

Remember, listening is a performance skill. The best way to improve performance skills is through repetition. Reading and understanding theory about listening helps. But practicing listening in real-world scenarios can change behavior.

How Empathic Edge Helps Build Better Listening Skills

When I created Empathic Edge, I wanted to address a challenge I observed repeatedly in legal education, leadership development, and professional training. People understand communication concepts but lack opportunities to practice them before the stakes are high.

That’s why Empathic Edge was built to provide users opportunities to engage in realistic conversations. Our thoughtful role play scenarios require:

• Active listening
• Perspective-taking
• Emotional awareness
• Conflict resolution
• Negotiation skills

Unlike traditional learning models, Empathic Edge creates opportunities to move beyond theory and develop habits through experience.

Ready to Strengthen Your Communication Skills?

Performative listening is something most of us have done. I know I certainly have. Recognizing the habit is the first step toward changing it. The next time you’re in an important conversation, try this simple experiment: Instead of rehearsing what you’re going to say next, focus entirely on understanding the other person’s perspective.

You may be surprised by what you learn.

The most powerful conversations rarely happen when people are waiting to speak. They happen when people feel heard.

Try Empathic Edge for Free

Empathic Edge helps users develop stronger listening, communication, negotiation, and conflict resolution skills. Our realistic AI-powered role play scenarios can be repeated. Our AI-powered platform provides feedback and insight so users can see how their communication changes over time.

Genuine listening is not something we master through information alone - it develops through practice. Try Empathic Edge free today and start practicing the skills that lead to better conversations and better outcomes.